Smooth Operator? - Sure!
...I met Sherry on Anastasia Beach, then again at Scarlet O'Hara's in early-March. She was on a brief soul-searching vacation from somewhere in the mid-Atlantic states:
Sherry,
For the past two months I have kept your card on my bulletin board intending to respond. Today I committed myself to make the effort with something more than a brief acknowledgement or obligatory statement of sympathy. Given my circumstance, I am especially able to relate to what you are going through, and have also come to a conclusion, albeit slightly different from yours (detailed below). However, I do agree that we must acknowledge our true feelings, accept the reality, and learn to live, lest be consumed. I truly hope that most of your pain has dissipated since March, when you penned your card.
Now for my "Advice Column" responses��
Response Option #1:
Not to belittle your (past) grief, but this is an interesting case study. Again, if I understand this thing right, you guys had a platonic, sibling-type of relationship - a close friendship that went on for years. I'm trying to remember if you said you lived together - I think you did for all practical purposes. There may have been some sexual "experiment" between you two, but it did not take. Only after his newfound squeeze moved-in, and they strolled arm-in-arm into church, did you realize you actually loved this guy in a sexual way - is this correct? If indeed this is the case, then the course is obvious. You should wait for them to have their first big fight, which they surely will - any day now - especially if she is putting these unreasonable demands upon him, like cutting off all past platonic relations. You should lie-in-wait for this opportunity and then console him in a sensitive, sweet, and maternal way. Then, when he is at his most vulnerable point, like when he is heaving sobs, you should seduce him as if the forces of fate have taken control, and follow through in a most complete way. Damn the torpedos!!!
Response Option #2:
I do wonder whether you should confront this reminder on a weekly basis in church. On the other hand, if you have real friends there, you shouldn't have to leave the church just because of this. The remedy for this unfortunate situation is obvious. You must rid the church of them by resorting to underhanded practical joke techniques to embarrass them publicly. I have always been a fan of Griffin's Shoe Polish. It completely ruins clothes. Can you imagine the commotion caused by their sudden realization during service that the seats of their clothes are completely soiled. Also, salmon eggs are an excellent stinching agent. We used to rip those off from the fishing section of the local Eckerd's and do all sorts of underhanded things to the property of those we disliked. Several such episodes may well chase them off. Remember that slashing tires is just too pass�. Of course, you may be implicated directly in these incidents, and the whole thing could backfire. I bet if you put your mind to it, you could come up with creative ways to humiliate these people without your direct implication.
Response Option #3:
I would sit closer to the front, in this way would not have to see them displaying their silly affection for one another, and they can leave the chapel before you. Continue on your spiritual quest to find the deeper meaning of all this, and eventually you will come to peace and terms with it. One day you will be having coffee or lunch or whatever, and in passing you will converse (perhaps with both), and the friendship will rekindle. Think positive and there are all kinds of possibilities.
So there's some advice; bad advice - perhaps, but I've given you some options, and you are always welcome to solicit opinions from others�..
Now for my conclusions. The above options serve as a metaphor of my current philosophy, which is probably obvious to most, but nonetheless, a revelation to me. It incorporates evolution, which as a scientist, I cannot ignore. It is in contrast to the C.S. Lewis-type drivel about demons stalking and scheming to damn your soul. I would also argue that my philosophy is consistent (somewhat) with the Unitarian church:
Most people (some more than others) behave emotionally much like primates, especially in business, and frequently in personal relationships. They use any means necessary, toeing the gray line of the seven deadly sins, to achieve their selfish objectives - power, pleasure and enrichment. Then, in order to release their guilt, they acknowledge their primitive behavior, call it sin, ask for forgiveness, and temporarily rest easy; Lather, rinse, repeat; Lather, rinse, repeat. We are not perfect, and will never be perfect. This all leads to my final response option.....
Response Option #4:
You should acknowledge your biology, acknowledge your imperfection, come down here and take your frustrations out on me, break my heart, go back home, and you'll be forgiven - you may even feel a little better too.
Waiting patiently,
